Exploits of the Rich and Infamous
by Counterproductive Squirrels
Summary: Join Youko Kurama and Kuronue on various exploits, among other things. Chapter Eight: Demon thieves and small children do not mix.
1. Prologue

Everyone's favorite spirit detectives were sitting in Yusuke's room. Why? They were bored. Kurama commented on the mess. Kuwabara commented that they should play video games. Yusuke commented that they should shut up. Hiei didn't comment.  
  
"Hn." Hey, don't look at us that way! It was... it was... Kurama that said it! ...Okay, we lied. Hiei commented after all. It just hardly classifies as a comment.  
  
"Come on, Urameshi," begged Kuwabara, "you've got the best games! Why not share?"  
  
"Because they're the best games."  
  
"But that's selfish!"  
  
"Yeah. Your point?"  
  
"Urameshi!"  
  
"It doesn't really matter either way," said Kurama. "His PS2 isn't working, anyway."  
  
"How'd you know that?" asked Yusuke suspiciously.  
  
"You were yelling at it when I got here."  
  
"Well, it was misbehaving!"  
  
"You can't possibly expect it to work properly if you spilled soda on it."  
  
"HOW'D YOU KNOW I SPILLED SODA ON IT?!"  
  
"Well, there's an upturned Pepsi can next to a sticky puddle, which just so happens to be on the aforementioned PS2."  
  
"Wow!" exclaimed Kuwabara. "You're smart, Kurama! You're like... like... a detective or something!"  
  
Kurama merely raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Hn," said Hiei. "It doesn't take much intelligence to come to such an obvious conclusion. Of course," he sneered, "I suppose you wouldn't know that, would you?"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Wow, Hiei! Two whole sentences! I do believe that's a new record." Kurama received a death glare, courtesy of everyone's favorite fire demon.  
  
"Hey!" said Yusuke suddenly. "I have an idea!"  
  
"That's a first."  
  
"Shut up, Hiei. I was just thinking-"  
  
"Will wonders never cease?"  
  
"Hey! Kurama, you're supposed to be the nice one!"  
  
"Am I? I'm sorry; nobody informed me of this."  
  
"Anyway, I was just thinking," Yusuke continued, glaring around at everyone, just DARING someone to interrupt him. "Kurama was a thief, right?"  
  
"That's kind of been established, yes," confirmed Kurama.  
  
"Well, then, you must have some pretty cool stories, right? You know, tales of your incredible... uh... incredible..."  
  
"Exploits?" prompted Kurama.  
  
"Yeah, that's it. Exploits. So, wanna share 'em with us?"  
  
"All of them? That would take a while."  
  
"Gee, I don't know. Just your favorites, I guess."  
  
"My favorite exploits."  
  
"Damn it, I don't know! The ones you remember the best!"  
  
"The most memorable?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Hmm. Well, there were quite a few that were certainly interesting, to say the least. After all, I started learning about locks and such mostly out of boredom. Let's see... how about the time I stole that ring of otherworldly, occult powers?"  
  
They leaned in with interest. Well, Yusuke and Kuwabara leaned in. Hiei simply lessened his expression of disinterest.  
  
A/N: This is what happens when you give us tostadas. Be afraid. Be very afraid. 


	2. The Ring of Otherworldly, Occult Powers

The Ring of Otherworldly, Occult Powers  
  
Youko Kurama and Kuronue slid noiselessly over the wall surrounding the warlord's compound. Actually, this is not true. There was the slight rustle of fabric, the tap of feet against stone, a noise that can only be described as "tomph" as they hit the ground, various other sounds caused by minor molecular collisions, but in any case quiet enough to be considered noiseless to all but the most sensitive of scientific equipment which had not technically been invented yet.  
  
In any case, they entered the compound in what must be called by narrative convention silence, stood about awkwardly, and gave each other sheepish looks.  
  
"What are we looking for anyway?" Kuronue whispered to his companion finally.  
  
"I don't know, it was your idea to come here in the first place," Kurama muttered back.  
  
"All I said was that we hadn't robbed this place yet..."  
  
Kurama shrugged in the gloom. "Well, there's got to be something here..."  
  
The two set off, glancing at each other surreptitiously the entire way, until they reached a door that looked sufficiently well-guarded.  
  
Half a dozen guards stood in front of it and glared at anyone who passed. When there was no one else to glare at, they glared at each other. The door behind them was thick and made of some sort of metal. Not that they could tell that it was thick, but it looked like it should be. Several different kinds of locks adorned the door, including one that seemed to involve a small duck.  
  
"That looks promising," Kurama muttered cheerfully from behind a convenient tree. Yes, the guards didn't hear him. Shut up.  
  
Kuronue looked at his friend from a shadow atop a nearby roof. "The usual?" he murmured, and Kurama nodded.  
  
The two slipped off their own separate ways. For a few minutes, everything was peaceful, save the duck quietly quacking to itself. Then suddenly a winged shape swooped over the compound. The guards looked fearfully up to the cloud-streaked sky. Suddenly somewhere off to their left they heard an evil laugh rise up out of the darkness. The guards with more presence of mind drew their weapons, while several just stood there and gibbered. An ominous figure arose from a thick fog that had not been there a moment earlier. At that distance they could not make out the details, but he seemed to be holding a pretty young maid by the throat.  
  
At this latter sight, all fear left them and testosterone took over. "Come on!" one of them shouted, and they all ran off. The fog swallowed them.  
  
Behind them, Kurama dropped from the roof and set to work on the locks. A few minutes later Kuronue appeared beside him.  
  
"We've got about ten minutes until they find a way out of the fog," he said, patting the duck absentmindedly. Then he stared at it as if noticing it for the first time. "Uh..."  
  
"Yes, I don't understand it either," said Kurama, reading his thoughts. He was still fiddling with one of the last locks, while one of his vines was doing something that looked unsavory to another.  
  
Kuronue stared at the duck some more. The duck stared at him. As if in a trance he pulled out a cracker from who-knows-where and fed it to the duck, which ate it with a satisfied "waak" noise. At that moment a seemingly incongruous bit of the door twisted around and fell off. The door creaked open.  
  
Kuronue and Kurama stared at one another, then pretended that hadn't just happened.  
  
Kuronue eased the door open further. A golden light spilled out of the room ahead. Apparently it was coming from a small object on a pedestal...  
  
"A ring," said Kurama flatly, looking around the otherwise empty room.  
  
"Maybe somebody got here before us," mused Kuronue, tapping a wall suspiciously. Them suspicious walls.  
  
Behind him, Kurama shrugged. "Well, we might as well take it, while we're here." With that, he slipped the ring on his finger.  
  
And by the time Kuronue turned around, he was gone.  
  
"Oi, Kurama, must you always dash off ahead of me?" he muttered, running out the door.  
  
"I'm still here, moron," said Kurama's voice behind him.  
  
Kuronue turned around. There was still no one there. "Stop throwing your voice around!"  
  
"You're looking right at me, fool!"  
  
Kuronue blinked. He rubbed imaginary sand out of his eyes. He squinted into the light. Then he proceeded to walk cautiously forward, waving his arms about in front of him like a confused somnambulist.  
  
"Where are you, you - oof..." He tripped over an invisible body and fell to the ground, Youko Kurama suddenly beneath him. The ring rolled away from Kurama's hand.  
  
They stared at it. Cautiously Kuronue picked it up and put it on.  
  
Kurama blinked, and poked the air in front of him.  
  
"Ow! That's my eye!"  
  
"Sorry." Kurama walked around the spot he believed Kuronue to be, fascinated. "A ring that turns you invisible..."  
  
There was a small girlish shriek, and Kuronue reappeared, his hands held up in front of him. "Very disturbing, not being able to see yourself," he explained sheepishly, pocketing the ring.  
  
Suddenly they heard angry shouts off to their left. Bulky figures appeared in the rapidly dissipating fog. Kurama shook his head. "Um, I think it's time to make good our escape."  
  
Later, when they were safely out of earshot, Kuronue repeated, "'Make good our escape'?"  
  
"Oh, that's just something they say."  
  
"Who says that?"  
  
"Well, you know... they do!"  
  
"...You've been reading books again, haven't you?"  
  
"...Maybe..."  
  
---  
  
"Once we were back in town," Kurama concluded, "we sold the thing to some strange little man ranting about his birthday. After all, if you're invisible, where's the fun in avoiding the guards?"  
  



	3. The First Exploit

"...And, that's pretty much how it happened," Kurama concluded.  
  
Now even Hiei looked somewhat interested.  
  
"Wait," said Kuwabara suddenly. "You said you started the thing with locks out of boredom, right? So, what made you actually start being a thief? I mean, when did you say, 'Hey, I could get rich this way?'"  
  
"That's a good question... but it didn't really work out that way. It was a rather quick, casual decision, now that I think about it."  
  
"Do tell," said Yusuke.  
  
"Well, it all started on an overly sunny afternoon..."  
  
---  
  
Youko Kurama whistled as he worked on the lock. He was in some rich guy's basement, in front of a large, heavily guarded vault. At least, it USED to be heavily guarded. The actual guards were kind of sleeping at the moment, courtesy of one of the kitsune's plant's dust spores, or something like that. I don't really know how it did so, but the point is that it made anyone that breathed in the fumes or whatever hit the proverbial sack.  
  
It was getting harder and harder to find decent locks. Like most legendary-anythings, Kurama had started small; the first time he ever picked a lock was actually simply when he had lost a key, and it grew from there. Then, just for fun, he had picked every lock he could find. After a while, any lock he got his hands on was quickly dissembled, so he moved on to bigger things; the sort of things that one would expect to find in a rich guy's basement. So there he was.  
  
This particular seal was a somewhat complex combination lock with nine digits. Youko smiled to himself as his sensitive ears heard the telltale click that signified he had cracked the code. Still whistling, he pulled it off, and was about to put it back on and walk away satisfied, when he started to wonder. What was in that vault that had so recently been heavily guarded? Being the curious kitsune that he was, he decided to take a look.  
  
What he found was lots and lots of very shiny gold.  
  
Kurama's first thought was, "That's a lot of gold."  
  
His second thought was, "This guy is LOADED."  
  
His third thought was, "Surely he won't miss a little."  
  
And so, Youko Kurama's thieving career began.  
  
---  
  
Yusuke blinked. "That's it?"  
  
"That's it."  
  
A/N: That's it! Oh, and yes, the bit at the end of the previous chapter was a reference to Lord of the Rings. ...Where did you get Mary Poppins...?  
  



	4. The Magic Book of DOOM!

The Magic Book... of DOOM!!!

"Wait, what about Kuronue?" asked Yusuke. 

"Oh, he came in later." 

"Oh." Suddenly a thought struck him. "Say, what was your most embarrassing exploit?" 

". . ." 

"Aw, come on, Kurama. Tell us!" urged Kuwabara. 

"...I didn't have any embarrassing exploits." 

Hiei's forehead glowed for a moment. "Yes you did." 

Kurama glared at him. "Fine, I did, but I won't tell you about it." 

"Well, if you won't, I will." 

"Hiei! You will do no such thing!" 

The fire demon smirked. "Oh? And you control me now, do you?" 

Suddenly, Kurama's cell phone rang. ("I didn't know he had a cell phone," commented Yusuke.) 

"Hello? ...Hello, Mother... No... Really? ...Well, I-... Yes, but-..." Kurama sighed. "All right, Mother. I'll be right over. Bye." He closed his cell phone and turned to the other three. "My mother needs me to come home. I should be back in a half hour or so." 

"Sure, go ahead," said Yusuke. Kurama obliged. 

As they heard Yusuke's front door shut, Kuwabara leaned over to Hiei. "Hey, Shrimp-" Hiei glared. "I mean, Hiei. Now that Kurama's gone, you can tell us about it!" 

His smirk returned. "For once, you have a good idea, Kuwabara." 

Because he wanted to hear the story, Kuwabara chose to ignore that comment. 

"I'll do the best I can from what I picked up. It was one of his earlier exploits..." 

--- 

Youko Kurama and Kuronue strolled through a busy marketplace, not really bothering to steal anything because they were lazy. However, they were slightly confused by the way various shop owners fled with their merchandise as they approached. 

As they passed one stall, Kurama's sharp ears picked up a whispered, "It's Youko Kurama! Take the money box and run!" 

Kuronue, who had also heard it, muttered as the merchant scurried off, "What, is he the only one here?" 

Obligingly, some random lady screeched, "It's Kuronue!" and fainted. 

Kuronue preened a bit, and Kurama frowned disapprovingly. "As flattering as it might be, if all these people recognize us, we won't even be able to _buy_ anything." 

"Why would we _want_ to buy anything?" 

"I'm just speaking hypothetically, here." 

Kuronue nodded, looking at Kurama critically. "Yes, what we need are some disguises. For myself - " He glanced around, and picked up a false mustache and a pair of plastic glasses without the lenses from a stall full of practical joke supplies, conveniently abandoned by its owner. He put them on and turned back to Kurama, looking very silly. "And as for you, we need to cover up your ears. And while you're at it, hide your tail in your clothes." 

"What?! But it's my _tail!"_

"Exactly. When people see a white fox tail, the name 'Youko Kurama' springs immediately to mind." 

"Really, you think so?" Kurama tossed his hair behind his shoulder and adjusted the set of his clothes. 

"Kurama..." 

"Right, right. What I need is a hat... Hat..." He glanced around wildly, then snatched up a floppy hat with a wide brim and rammed it on his head. "There, hat." 

"Kurama, that's a woman's hat." 

"So?" 

Kuronue sighed. "If they see a man in a woman's hat, you're going to draw more attention than if you just went as yourself." 

Kurama pouted. "I like it." 

Kuronue waved a hand in defeat. "Fine, fine, just don't come crying to me if we end up running from the guards like last week - " He stopped suddenly, as if struck by an idea. "Well, if you insist on wearing a lady's hat, I know of a way to keep you unnoticed..." He pointed to a posh-looking store that specialized in women's clothing. 

Kurama backed away. "No! No no no! I am not dressing - " 

Kuronue grabbed ahold of his friend's arm and dragged him towards the storefront. "Oh, come on! Everyone will know you're not a woman in clothes like _that!"_

Kurama looked down at his more-or-less nonexistent shirt and his chronic lack of breasts. 

"It'll be fun!" continued the bat demon cheerfully. "We can pretend to be a couple on our honeymoon - " 

"But why do _I_ have to be the girl?" Kurama protested. 

"Because you look enough like a girl as it is!" 

"No more than you do!" 

"Ah, but I've got a _mustache."_

Kurama stared at the fuzzy thing currently residing under Kuronue's nose. It looked alive. "But - " 

Kuronue pushed the store door open. A small chime tinkled. A short woman looked up from behind a desk. "Yes, may I help you?" she said, seemingly not recognizing the two famous thieves directly in front over her. See, the obvious disguises they were wearing brought so much attention to themselves that people didn't bother to look at the people beneath them. That, and they're stupid. 

Kuronue smiled in a fashion he considered charming. "See, my friend here is a crossdresser - " 

_"I am not!"_

_"Shut up, yes you are!_ Anyway..." 

The lady clapped her hands. "Oh, _yes!"_ she exclaimed cheerfully. "You're actually the third one today! We've got a special section devoted to it!" 

The two thieves sweatdropped as the lady led them off to a corner of the store. 

Kuronue, slightly disturbed and now wanting to get the process over with as quickly as possible, grabbed a few likely-looking dresses and shoved them into Kurama's arms. "Here, just go try these on." 

Kurama dumped them on the floor in disgust. "What are you _thinking?!"_ he demanded. "These do _not_ suit my complexion! I'm a _winter,_ for Inari's sake!" 

"...Kurama, have you been reading women's magazines again?" 

"...Maybe..." 

Kuronue rolled his eyes. "Look, _you_ just pick something out, okay?" 

Kurama sniffed. "Fine, I will! It's not my fault you have no fashion sense." 

After a full fifteen minutes of Kurama nosing around among the merchandise and Kuronue tapping his foot impatiently, the fox demon emerged from the racks with several dresses draped over each arm. "All of these look promising," he said cheerfully, "although I think a few might be too revealing..." 

Kuronue sighed. "You've got nothing _to_ reveal!" he said impatiently. He grabbed one of the dresses and knocked the others out of his companion's arms. "Look, just get this one, all right?" It appeared to be an evening gown of some sort, although Kuronue didn't know enough of the terminology to describe it as anything other than "red" and "glittery" (incidentally, neither do the authors). 

Kurama smiled indulgently. "Oh, and I thought you didn't _have_ any fashion sense!" 

Kuronue grabbed his arm. "Come on, let's just get out of here..." But Kurama was already heading toward the clerk and rummaging around in his money bag. 

"We're actually going to _pay_ for these?" Kuronue said, somewhat nervously. 

"It's not like we can't afford it. And remember, we're disguised as _non_-thieves, right?" 

"Ah..." Kuronue still looked uncomfortable with the concept. "Well, if you think it's best..." 

"I do." Kurama plopped the dress down in front of the sales lady and handed her a few coins. "Keep the change." 

She smiled sunnily at him. "Thank you, and have a nice day!" 

They ambled out of the shop into the slowly refilling street. "Now put it on," Kuronue ordered, indicating the dress. 

Kurama looked around nervously. "What, in the middle of the street?" 

"You've never been this modest before! Remember last month, when you stole Lord Fujimori's enchanted sword while completely n - " 

"This is different!" 

Kuronue rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Look, there's a convenient alley right here..." 

The two retreated into said alleyway, arguing the entire way. To preserve our readers' sanity, assuming there is any, the following scene will be described only in terms of the sounds that emerged to confuse the occasional passerby. 

"Right, now take that off - " 

"A little eager, are we?" 

"Shut up. Now I think maybe you should try slipping it over your head - " 

"I know how to put a dress on!" 

"...I'll pretend I didn't hear that." 

"I meant on _other people - "_

"Just drop it, all right? What's this bit supposed to do?" 

"I think it's to hold some bits in..." 

"Bits you haven't got?" 

"Most likely. Here, you'd better not - " 

_"Ow!_ Why'd they put wire in this? You could poke your eye out!" 

"I don't know, maybe it's supposed to do that? If you could just tie this up for me..." 

A few minutes later, the happy couple emerged from the alley, bickering constantly. Thus they were unaware of the many stares directed at them, and the accompanying giggles of the easily amused. 

Suddenly the ostensibly female one gripped the other one's arm. "Don't look now, but I think I've found the ideal target for our...attentions." 

"...When _should_ I look, then?" 

Kurama rolled his eyes. "Just behind me," he murmured, moving slightly. 

Kuronue turned his head, presumably to look at his companion. "Ah," he breathed, his eyes focused somewhere beyond Kurama's shoulder. "Just follow my lead," he muttered, and brushed past him. 

The owner of the cart in question was understandably surprised to be confronted by two strange men, one in a dress with altogether too much glitter, the other with a glasses-and-mustache combination probably acquired from the joke shop down the street. 

"My wife saw your little traveling shop and just _had_ to take a look," chuckled the one with the mustache, which had, incidentally, come partially undone and was now dangling precariously. 

"I'm closed," said the man coldly, in the face of all evidence to the contrary. 

"Oh, but surely you can make an exception for a couple of newlyweds!" chortled Mustache. 

_"I told you we're not doing that!"_

_"Shut up, we are now!"_

The old man eyed the two warily. "I'm leaving. I have to be in the next town by nightfall." 

"Oh!" exclaimed Kuronue, finally noticing the mustache and pushing it back into place. "Well, we're going the same way you are, so..." 

"How would you know what direction I'm headed?" 

Kuronue looked to Kurama for help, who just glared. 

The old man rolled his eyes. "Just get in the cart," he said, turning away. 

"Oh, lovely!" Kuronue chirped. He nudged Kurama. _"Do something girly!"_

_"You should have been the girl, you're always giggling!"_

Kuronue looked affronted. "That was a masculine chuckle!" 

"A five-year-old girl could sound more masculine than you..." 

"Are you coming or not, _ma'am?"_ said the merchant nastily. 

Kuronue waved a hand gaily. "Coming, coming!" 

"...I think he was talking to me..." 

"Shutupshutup..." 

Kurama clambered up to sit next to the merchant, who was holding the reins of a rather bored-looking donkey. They tried to sit as far away from each other as possible, but seeing as the seat was made for two people, and the merchant took up rather more than his allotted space, this proved somewhat difficult. 

Kuronue looked from one to the other. "I'll just sit in the back, shall I?" he said hopefully. When no reply seemed to be forthcoming, he sighed slightly and jumped lightly into the back of the wagon with the merchandise. 

Without any further ado, the cart rumbled forward. Trying to be inconspicuous and failing miserably, Kuronue started poking among the various items, cataloguing as he went. _Ming dynasty vase, teapot shaped like a chicken, a really ugly painting some some old guy, a porno magazine..._ This he slipped into a pocket surreptitiously. _Let's see, ornate bone knife, someone's left shoe, a toy Shinobi Master With Ninja-Grip Action, a weird little necklace thingie, oh wait, that's mine..._

Almost irresistibly, his attention was drawn toward an inconspicuous brown bag. Glancing back toward the front of the cart, where the merchant and Kurama were stubbornly Not Looking At Each Other, he pulled it towards himself and withdrew a battered-looking book. He cautiously opened the old tome, dust spilling off of the cover. He quickly scanned the first page he saw: 

_...and lastly adde the Egge of Northern Dragonne. When the brewe becomes sickly yellowe, chant "Yu Sili Baggaas Tys Naat Rili Ah Supel. Ai Fuul Yu Al." With that thine greatest enemie shall become as dust..._

Kuronue's eyes widened. Taking care so that the ancient book wouldn't fall apart, he shoved under his clothes. "Hey, Ku....Kasumi!" 

Kurama a.k.a. Kasumi turned around warily. Kuronue was grinning nervously at him, and had his hands pressed against his suspiciously bulky abdomen. "Yes?" 

"You see that farmhouse off to the left?" Kurama looked in the indicated direction. _Shack, more like._ "My aunt lives there, and you simply _must_ meet her! Why don't you let us off here, mister merchant person?" 

"What, she couldn't come to the wedding?" said the merchant, turning around as well. 

Kuronue flailed for an excuse, and in his panic hit one. "Uh, no, she was very sick!" 

"If she's sick, why do you want to visit her?" 

Kurama looked at Kuronue's panic-filled rictus and frantic hand signals, and to Kuronue's relief took over. "Oh, but I'm very good at healing, I'm sure I could help!" he explained, trying and failing to imitate Kuronue's mock-cheerfulness. 

The merchant looked at the two nervous, smiling faces. He rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine, whatever." 

The cart jolted to a halt. Kurama and Kuronue leapt out, the latter still clutching at his stomach. "Thank you for the ride!" Kuronue said breathlessly, and then the two took off at a surprising turn of speed, especially considering one was wearing a dress. 

As Kurama grew older and less stupid, he realized that the merchant must have let the two steal the book; but that still brought up the question of why. Unknown to Kurama, and therefore also unknown to Hiei, who was telling the story in case you've forgotten, the book of spells the two thieves made off with was actually cursed - socks disappeared, keys moved mysteriously around the house, and various evil spirits broke forth from whatever dimension they called home and stole his towels. Whenever the merchant had tried to get rid of the book, it had always mysteriously reappeared on his pillow the next day. Therefore, he was more than glad to be rid of it, and figured it served the two thieves right. With that mystery cleared up, let it now be known that the merchant from that day on lived a happy and fulfilling life until he fell off a cliff two days later. 

Meanwhile, our two heroes were sitting on a riverbank, celebrating their haul. Kuronue, in a moment of contemplation, looked at Kurama, who had yet to take off his dress and floppy hat, and seemed to have a revelation. "Aren't fox demons supposed to be masters of illusion?" 

Kurama looked at Kuronue's bespectacled face, and his own evening gown. "...Moron! Why didn't you say something earlier?!" 

_"You're_ the kitsune, you should have remembered!" 

"You're the one who decided we should have disguises!" 

"Well, it's not my fault you picked a lady's hat!" 

_"I happen to like this hat, thank you very much!"_

The arguing continued late into the night. 


	5. The Orb of Ukabuka

The Useless Orb of Lord Ukabuka  
  
"Damn," said Yusuke, after he and Kuwabara had finished laughing hysterically for about five minutes. "That book must have been really useful, huh?"  
  
"It would have been," agreed Kurama, who had returned just in time to hear what his dress had looked like, and had decided that there was no point in stopping Hiei by that point.  
  
"What do you mean, would have been?" asked Hiei, because he felt the need to confirm his existence.  
  
"Well, it would seem that someone stole it from us, though I'm not really sure if it counts as stealing if it wasn't really ours in the first place."  
  
"Stole it? From YOU guys?"  
  
"Yes, it was really quite odd. We had it in an extremely inconspicuous sack, and we put the sack down somewhere for no longer than five minutes, and when we opened it back at our hideout, there was only a bunch of potatoes."  
  
---Elsewhere---  
  
"Jin?"  
  
"Yes, Touya?"  
  
"Where did you get this book?"  
  
"Oh, that. Forgot about that. Some jerk took my potatoes. Hardly a fair trade, if you ask me. Never did see those potatoes again."  
  
"???"  
  
---Back with the Tantei---  
  
"Hey, Kurama," said Yusuke suddenly. "What's the stupidest thing you've ever stolen?"  
  
"That was completely random," commented Kuwabara.  
  
Kurama chuckled. "I would have to say the Orb of Ukabuka."  
  
"The WHAT?!" three voices simultaneously yelled.  
  
"The Orb of Ukabuka."  
  
"What kind of a name is Ukabuka?" asked Yusuke incredulously.  
  
"A stupid one," answered Hiei. "So, what is this... Orb of Ukabuka?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
---  
  
"Oi, Kuronue."  
  
"What."  
  
"I'm bored."  
  
"Then that makes two of us.  
  
The two sat in silence for a while.  
  
"Oi, Kuronue."  
  
"What."  
  
"Let's steal the Orb of Ukabuka."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Let's steal the Orb of Ukabuka."  
  
"I heard you the first time! Why would you want to do THAT? I mean, it's the source of Lord Ukabuka's power, but it's completely useless to anyone else! Namely, us."  
  
"Your loss," said Youko Kurama, shrugging.  
  
-  
  
The legendary kitsune bandit darted through the halls while Mission Impossible played in the background.  
  
"Where is that music coming from?" Kurama wondered vaguely as he reached the room in which the orb was kept. So far, the security had been pretty good. So good, in fact, that Youko actually had a little difficulty getting through it, which in itself is impressive.  
  
Regardlessly, it hadn't stopped him. Kurama slid the door open and peered inside. His eyes widened. He had been expecting something perhaps about the size of his fist, but this thing... it was at least a meter and a half in diameter. The golden orb had its own energy, as well.  
  
Well, he wasn't about to turn around and give up, though. He quickly scanned the room for traps.  
  
There were a lot.  
  
Eh, no problem. They weren't designed to trap PLANTS, after all.  
  
The kitsune carefully sent some vines over to thoroughly wrap themselves around the orb. Once he was sure it was secure, he willed the plants to lift it, and brought it back to where he stood.  
  
Okay, now what? It's a lot easier to make your getaway with a small orb than a big one. He hadn't exactly been planning for the latter. He bit his lip. He could just forget about concealing it somehow. It wasn't exactly inconspicuous to casually stroll out the door with a big, golden ball that pulsed with enough energy to put a lighthouse to shame.  
  
Hmm.  
  
He'll just have to not be seen. He shrugged, and walked back through the corridor, his vines and the orb trailing behind. "Perhaps this wasn't such a great idea."  
  
Suddenly, Kurama froze. He heard footsteps, and the hall was empty...  
  
A green, low-level demon guard strolled by, whistling to himself and swinging his club.  
  
His footsteps faded.  
  
Kurama lowered himself and the orb from the ceiling.  
  
-  
  
He was almost there. Just a little further, and he was home free. When... "What is that guard doing out here in the middle of the night...?" This time, he didn't even have a ceiling to cling to. There was nowhere to hide, the guard had a torch, and was coming closer...  
  
"Good evening," said the guard as she passed.  
  
Thank goodness it's a women. Youko Kurama was 'casually' leaning and the vine-covered orb behind him. He flashed his winning smile, guaranteed to leave any girl's brain to the equivalent of the consistency of oatmeal. "Good evening."  
  
The guard's eyes widened, and if she hadn't had such rigorous training, she probably would've dropped to her knees right then and there and started drooling. She looked away, pulled herself together, and walked on before she did just that.  
  
Kurama let out a slight sigh of relief as soon as she was gone. Okay, time to go...  
  
-  
  
Kurama and Kuronue stood outside their hideout, looking at the Orb of Ukabuka.  
  
"Satisfied?" asked Kuronue.  
  
"Yes."  
  
There was a brief silence.  
  
"Remind me again, WHY exactly did I decide to steal this thing?"  
  
"You were bored."  
  
"Ah, yes."  
  
---  
  
Yusuke and Kuwabara were cracking up, and Hiei was smirking. Kurama was wearing a somewhat embarrassed grin.  
  
"Kitsune no baka," commented the fire demon.  
  
"Oh, hush, you."  
  
------  
  
A/N: Perhaps we should explain to how exactly we're going about writing this. WELL, you see, since it really doesn't work for us to write TOGETHER... Basically, we we come up with the ideas together (we have a list of things to steal) and as we come to the chapters, we "brainstorm", elaborating a bunch and adding as many funny bits as we can. Then one of us writes the actual chapter, aka writing in the stuff in between the funny bits. I (Aya) wrote the prologue and am writing the odd chapters, and Robyn writes the even.  
Why did we decide to do it this way? Well, we were both playing around with the idea over dinner (yes, we were eating tostadas) and we BOTH wanted to write it... so... yeah. I personally think it's better this way, anyway. For example, the thing with the duck would have never occured to me. I like the duck. The duck is my buddy. 


	6. Kuronue Vs The Doctor

Kuronue vs. the Doctor

Yusuke laughed suddenly. "Geez," he said, "Didn't you guys ever do anything besides steal random crap?" 

Kurama smiled. "Of course! We ate, we breathed, we performed various other bodily functions..." 

Yusuke whapped him upside the head. "You know what I mean!" 

Kuwabara nodded. "Yeah, you tell us all these exciting stories, but did you ever do anything _normal?"_

"Fool," said Hiei. "Stories about everyday activities are _boring."_

"It's why no one ever goes to the bathroom in movies," added Yusuke. They gave him weird looks. "...What?" 

Kurama smiled, looking off into the distance. "Actually, very little of our lives could be considered 'normal,'" he said, chuckling a little. "Somehow, we managed to make everything interesting..." He trailed off thoughtfully. 

Kuwabara nudged Yusuke. "That means he's gonna tell another story!" 

Yusuke rolled his eyes, and Kurama began. 

--- 

"NO! No! Nonononononooooo....." 

"Come on, you're embarrassing me! It's just the doctor!" 

"No!" 

From the sounds coming from outside the doctor's office, it might seem to the waiting room's confused occupants that they were listening to a mother and her reluctant child. However, to think that they would have to be completely tone-deaf, as both voices were adult and definitely male. 

Thus they were only slightly prepared to see a fuming Youko Kurama dragging Kuronue behind him by the tip of his ear. 

"Why are you even bringing me here?" Kuronue was whining. "You know I have an irrational fear of needles!" 

"Oh, come on, it's just a checkup! There won't necessarily be any needles!" 

"But every time I go to the doctor there are needles!" 

"THOSE ARE SEDATIVES!" 

As if trying to prove Kurama's point, Kuronue chose this moment to try to dash back out the door. Kurama tackled him to the ground and growled, "Look, if you behave yourself, they won't _have_ to sedate you." 

Kuronue scowled and nodded as best he could, what with Kurama's elbow pinning his head to the ground. 

Kurama pulled him to his feet, and then sat down in one of the uncomfortable chairs the doctor so kindly provided. Kuronue followed, still scowling. 

They sat like that for a few minutes, Kurama inspecting his nails, Kuronue glancing around nervously at the various posters on the walls. Eventually Kuronue noticed a small child staring at him. Lacking anything better to do, he stared back. A few minutes later Kuronue realized he was going to lose the staring contest, and started making faces at the kid. 

Kurama whapped him upside the head. "Behave yourself!" 

Fortunately Kuronue was spared a lecture, as at that moment the nurse came out the door. "Kuronue?" 

Kurama jumped up and grabbed Kuronue's wrist. "Yes, he's here, and _quite calm,"_ he said, tugging on his arm and giving him a pointed look. 

The nurse, completely oblivious, nodded. "Come this way, then." 

She then deposited them in a white room and, after assuring them the doctor would be there in a moment, they were left alone. 

"They're learning," Kurama commented to the still-sulking Kuronue. "One time a nurse said that the doctor would be there in a minute, and when the doctor didn't actually appear for another half hour because he was out playing golf, they had a huge lawsuit on their hands. You've got to be careful with your language," he ended lamely, realizing that he was only talking to himself. 

Eventually the doctor entered, a demon who looked like he had a rare skin disease, which wasn't very reassuring. Kuronue hopped up on the examining table and the doctor puttered about doing various doctorly things we don't feel like describing. 

After a while the doctor looked at a clipboard. "It says here that you're due for two of your shots," he informed them. 

Immediately Kuronue started panicking. "You said there would be no needles!" he told Kurama accusingly. 

"No, I said they wouldn't have to _sedate_ you with needles." 

"You and your pedantic tendencies!" 

Kurama rolled his eyes in the manner of the much put-upon. "Just don't look at what he's doing, and it won't be as bad. Old trick." 

Kuronue sighed. "Fine, fine..." He looked away and squeezed his eyes shut. However, as soon as the syringe pricked him, he jumped several feet into the air. "You said it wouldn't be as bad!" he shouted, rubbing his arm. 

"It's certainly not as bad as what I'll do to you if you don't behave..." 

Kuronue groaned, and looked back at the doctor. "Just get the second one over with, all right?" 

"All right! Now, here's your meningitis shot!" the doctor said, pulling out an enormous syringe. Kuronue's eyes widened. The doctor chuckled warmly and put it away, getting out a normal-sized syringe. "Just kidding, this is the real shot - " But Kuronue had already fainted dead away. 

The doctor looked up at Kurama. "You were right - I _didn't_ have to sedate him!" 

--- 

As Yusuke chuckled and Hiei grinned disconcertingly, Kuwabara looked thoughtful. I know it's hard to imagine, but just go with us here. 

"So.... The Makai has doctor's offices?" 

"...Yes." 

"And syringes?" 

Kurama glared at him. "Yes, they do. Quit ruining the suspension of disbelief." 

Kuwabara huffed. "Fine, fine, you don't have to go using big words on me." 

"...Whatever." 

--- 

A/N: Just to make it clear, we're not Kuwabara-bashing, we actually love the guy. (Realize this chapter comes from the girl with Kuwabara wallpaper.) It's just he's an idiot, and we make fun of everyone. :) 


	7. The Chapter That Shall Have No Title

The Chapter That Shall Not Have A Title

"You know," said Kurama, "I think this would be a good time to inform our readers that the Counterproductive Squirrels do not, in fact, own Yu Yu Hakusho."

"What are you babbling about, kitsune?" asked Hiei.

"...I have no idea." There was a silence. "Let's get back to story telling, shall we?"

"Hmm," said Yusuke obligingly, "did you ever steal something from some crazy place, like at the bottom of an ocean or something?"

"Actually," said Kurama, "yes, we did, except it was a large lake, rather than an ocean."

"Woah, cool! Tell us about it!"

"Alright..."

---

Youko Kurama and Kuronue were traipsing through a forest that we really don't feel like describing, so we'll just say it's nondescript. Hey, a forest is a forest, right? Anyway, they were looking for a small collection of priceless jewels.

"Okay, that's it," said Kuronue. "Give me that map." He reached for the parchment Kurama held.

"Hell no. You can't tell north from south."

"At least I can tell north from down, idiot! Give it!"

"No," Kurama repeated.

"Fine then," said Kuronue. "But if you lead us into a tar pit or something, don't come crying to me."

"Number one, I think I'd notice walking into a tar pit. Number two, even if I didn't, we'd _both_ be stuck."

"You know what? Shut up."

"Now, if my calculations are correct," said Kurama, choosing that moment to pointedly ignore his partner, "it should be right through here." They had arrived at a huge, out-of-place-looking clearing, but there was one minor detail that we're deliberately omitting.

"It's a lake," stated Kuronue blandly.

"No, really?" said Kurama sarcastically. "I would have never guessed. It's probably at the bottom."

"That's an odd place to hide an ancient treasure... and at the same time, horribly clichéd."

"Yes. And conspicuous, too. Come on, let's go." Kurama gestured to Kuronue as he walked toward the aforementioned body of water, a calculating look gracing his features. (...His positively gorgeous features... wipes away drool Um, yeah, moving on...)

"Uh... no."

Kurama noticed that his fellow thief was not following him and turned around, frowning slightly. (Still looking very nice, I might add... shutting up.) Kuronue failed to notice the slight wobble in the kitsune's step. "What? Why?"

"It may have slipped your mind, but it's kind of at the bottom of a lake. That complicates things a little," he replied.

Suddenly Youko's face split into a semi-goofy and rather out-of-character grin. "What, afraid of a little water?" His speech was only a _little_ slurred. Really.

Kuronue sighed and put a hand to his forehead. "Kurama, while I was... ahem... _negotiating_ with that demon for the map, were you, by any chance, consuming a large amount of alcohol?"

"Eh nyuh?" asked a drunk Youko Kurama.

"Kurama, have you been drinking again?"

"Just a little..." He flinched slightly at Kuronue's withering glare.

"You never drink just a little."

"What?" he whined. "It was a _bar!_ What was I supposed to do? Ask for a cup of water? Besides, we both know alcohol doesn't effect me!"

"Allow me to rephrase that. Alcohol doesn't effect you right away."

Kurama pouted, then changed the subject, sobering for a full ten seconds. "Why don't you want to go get it?"

Kuronue blinked at the non sequitur, then rolled his eyes. "In case it somehow escaped your notice, I'm a bat. Not a fish."

"...So?"

"Bats don't swim."

The presently incapacitated kitsune pondered this, then came to a conclusion. "...Unless it was a fish-bat."

Kuronue groaned, massaging his temples and giving the sky the classic "Why me?" look.

But Kurama wasn't done. "Well... couldn't your wings, you know, double as-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Aw." Youko pouted again for a moment (mmm...) before a look of enlightenment lit up his face. "I know! I'll teach you to swim!"

Kuronue looked at his friend incredulously. "Teach... me... to swim...?"

"Hey!" exclaimed the kitsune. "That's a great idea! Let's start now!"

Kuronue groaned, knowing he couldn't get out of this, and allowed himself to be dragged along to the shore of the lake.

"Okay. Okay. Okay," Kurama repeated, "what you need now... is water-wings!" And he pulled a pair out from who-knows-where. They were a light blue with little yellow duckies on them.

Kuronue's eyes widened. "Oh... my... No. No way. I am not going to wear-" But, alas, Kurama had already put them on his arms. Kuronue's eye twitched. "This is stupid. These are stupid. I look stupid."

"Nonsense!" exclaimed a drunk and overly-cheerful Youko Kurama. "They're cute!"

Kuronue's eye started twitching more violently.

"And now..." Kurama proceeded to push his friend into the water. Caught by surprise, the man that was not a fish-bat fell in the water. In a couple seconds, two water-wings floated up to the surface. It was then that he realized he had forgotten to fill them with air. Oh, well. If Kuronue had taken them off, that meant he was confident about swimming, right?

Youko hummed to himself and began to inspect his nails, only to frown in displeasure upon finding that one was broken. He sighed and shook his head before pulling a pair of fingernail clippers from the same place that he had gotten the water-wings and began to cut the others in order to even them out. How annoying. It would take at least a week to grow them out again. Wow, Kuronue sure could hold his breath for a long time.

Suddenly Kurama blinked, the alcohol wearing off. "Where's Kuronue? What are those- oh." He cursed as he remembered exactly what had happened in the last five minutes or so and dove into lake. A couple seconds later, he surfaced with a sputtering Kuronue that, even though his eyes were shut as he was trying to clear the water from his lungs, was somehow glaring.

Finally breathing normally again as Kurama dragged him up onto the shore, he yelled angrily, "What kind of a swimming instructor are you?!"

"I'm sorry! I was drunk!"

"I nearly _drowned!" _Kurama winced, shoulders sagging, his ears drooping back flatly on his head in shame, his tail falling almost literally between his legs in the universal canine body language. It was all Kuronue could do to keep from going, "Aww!" at this display of remorse. Instead, he looked away, crossing his arms and sighing. "Okay, okay, whatever. Just stop looking at me like that." (Here is revealed the secret of their everlasting friendship! Could YOU stay mad at him? Yeah, didn't think so.)

"Okay," said Kurama, dropping the stance he only ever used on Kuronue immediately.

"Oh, by the way," said the bat demon, suddenly remembering something, "I found this while I was down there." He fished conspicuously inconspicuous box about the size of dictionary (from his own who-knows-where storage of random stuff that might come in handy) and tossed it to his companion.

Kurama's eyes lit up as he caught it. He spent about a minute picking the lock, opened it, and after a quick glance over its contents, growled and threw it back to Kuronue.

"What?" Kuronue peered inside for a look to see... jewels. "What?" he repeated, confused.

Kurama glared at nothing in particular, then walked angrily without actually doing something as undignified as stomping (Oh, and that little show a minute ago wasn't?) over to Kuronue. "Look!" He picked up what Kuronue thought to be a diamond. "It's cubic zirconium!" he spat without actually spitting.

"...What?"

"It's fake," clarified a now calming down kitsune. "It's all glass and imitation diamonds and stuff. Someone got here before us, replaced the real stuff with this, and put the box back where they found it."

"How do you know?"

"The lock has been picked before," said Kurama dryly before sniffing the box. "That's odd."

"What's odd?" asked Kuronue, who was getting tired of feeling stupid.

"It has a human scent all over it."

"_Human?"_

"Yeah. Recent, too..." Youko Kurama, looked up and grinned semi-evilly. "Looks like it's time for the mandatory chase scene, my friend."

"...Kurama, have you been watching action flicks again?"

"....Maybe..."

Kuronue rolled his eyes. "You know, sometimes I worry about you. Come on, let's catch that human. He couldn't have gotten very far, right?"

"Right. That way." They started running (not at full speed, of course- it wasn't needed) in the direction Youko indicated and came across a man in no time at all. Well, technically, it did take some time, just not much. It's called artistic license, you literal-minded jerks.

Kuronue stopped just in front of the man, surprising him. "A little bird told me you got our treasure."

There was a sigh. The man whirled around, hand flying automatically to his whip, to see Youko Kurama, legendary thief. "We finally get a chase scene and it isn't even a good one. It figures."

The man, who looked remarkably like Harrison Ford, had read about these two in Japanese modern mythology books. (They've been around for so long, so they were probably still going strong even after their tales had made their way into the human world as legends.) "Youko Kurama and Kuronue?" The man with the fox ears and tail smirked and nodded. Eh, myths actually being real... nothing new there. It was a good thing he knew Japanese.

"Why is it always Youko Kurama and Kuronue?" whined the man with the wings. "Why not Kuronue and Youko Kurama, huh?"

Youko Kurama snickered and Indiana Jones thought for a moment before shrugging. "Has a better ring to it, I guess."

"Well, it's not fair."

Kurama put a hand to his forehead. "My friend, you are probably the only one that pays any attention to the order in which our names are spoken."

Indiana Jones thought some more. "You know, I've read a lot about you two. The books gave pretty accurate description, except I don't recall seeing anything about acting like fifteen-year-old boys on and off."

The kitsune bandit blinked, then nodded. "You've got a point. Kuronue, we have a reputation to live up to, you know."

"Right, right." Falling back into a character that was never really specified much to begin with, he smirked. "Right, so either you give us the jewels and we let you live, or you keep the jewels, we kill you, and take the them anyway."

"You would not believe how many times I have heard that before." And this is when Indiana Jones met his demise! ...Not really. Even he knows when to pick his battles. "However, I don't think I've ever heard it from two legendary demons before, so maybe I should just give them up."

"That would be a good idea, yes," agreed Kurama.

"Right, then. Here you are." He held out a sack, but before Kuronue could take it, Kurama held up a hand and looked inside. Seeing that they were all real, he nodded and took it himself, earning him a sour look from his partner.

"Okay, off you go," said Kuronue dismissively, waving him away. The famous Harrison Ford lookalike nodded and took off, because he still had the special magic jewel that had been with the others, and that was what he had been after, anyway.

A/N: Hey, look! We finally updated! Feel free to throw things at Aya, as it's all her fault. I got writer's block, okay? And then school started, which, incidentally, happened to be my first year in high school. Still is, in fact. And Robyn went off to college. And then it was November. Still is, actually. I hate November. ...I'm reeeeally sorry! sob

That was also a hard chapter to write.

Anyway. We'll welcome requests with open arms, because we love you all so very much! ...Actually, it's because we're starting to run out of ideas. We've got about four chapters worth of headwork, and then... yeah. One thing, though: PLEASE do not ask us to include your character, because we won't, and we'd just hate to break your little hearts... because then we'd have no readers. Feel free to propose a guest appearance of an actual YYH character, though.

We WILL eventually get around to writing The Random Adventures of Jin and Touya. We already have more than enough ideas. Here, we'll give you a little advertisement:

NEW!!! Action-Packed Adventures Featuring The Shinobi Jin & Touya!!! Coming Soon To A Browser Near You!!! Call Today At 1800-JIN-CHAN!!!

How's that? Except... don't call. I made that number up and it's probably actually the number to some organization against sporks or something. ("Just Say NO to Sporks")

Aya writes long author's notes. She also tends to refer to herself in third person...


	8. Attack of the Chibis!

Attack of the Chibis!

Yusuke was grinning madly. "You sure are funny when you're drunk, Kurama!"

Kurama sighed. "I'm going to take that as a compliment."

"We'll have to get you drunk again sometime to see if you're still like that."

"No." Kurama glared. "I do not wish to impair my judgment."

"Fine then," Yusuke muttered. "I'll just have to spike your drink."

"Do so, and you will find yourself without any fingers," said Hiei suddenly.

"Gee, protective much?"

"Um, excuse me," interjected Kuwabara, "but can't we get back to the telling of exploits?"

"Of course," muttered Hiei, "because we have nothing else to do besides sit in Yusuke's room for hours on end listening to Kurama talk." Kurama glared at Hiei, who surprisingly shut up. Not that he talks much to begin with, but whatever.

"So _anyway_," Kuwabara continued, pretending the last few minutes hadn't occurred, "Yusuke kinda already asked the question, but did you guys do anything _besides_ steal? Illegal stuff, I mean."

Yusuke snickered. "What, you mean like jaywalking?"

Kuwabara rolled his eyes. "No, Urameshi, like kidnapping, or assassination, or..." He struggled for a few moments to come up with another illegal activity, then finally added lamely, "...or drug running."

As Yusuke continued to snicker in the background, Kurama answered, "As for drug running, it's hard enough to keep demons from escaping into the human world, much less enforce drug laws, so that was not really an issue. We considered murder beneath us, as only an unskilled thief would have to kill whoever was guarding his target. We did not assassinate anyone because we didn't want to lower ourselves by being hired to kill someone - we did not work for anyone but ourselves. Kidnapping, though, was essentially stealing a person, so we did try that once."

"Just once?" said Yusuke, forgetting for a moment to laugh at Kuwabara.

"Yes, and if you hear the story, you'll know why..."

"...Wait, you met Indiana Jones?" exclaimed Kuwabara suddenly, in realization.

"Shush, I'm talking."

* * *

Youko Kurama and Kuronue waltzed along the forest path, although not really, because that would be very silly and conspicuous. However, Kurama and Kuronue could in fact be very silly at times, so instead it was more of a merry skip, which was probably a better description in the first place. Oh well.

Why were they so happy, you may ask? For one thing, Kurama was in his element, which is always a good thing. While Kuronue was not in his element, which would be, I don't know, a cave or something, he had a brand-spankin' new Plan. It was a good Plan, or so he thought.

"Hey, Kurama," he began.

Youko Kurama suddenly got shifty eyes. "If it's about your favorite cup, it was broken when I found it."

"What?" Seeing that Kurama was now trying to look far more innocent than any master thief can be, Kuronue sighed and rolled his eyes. "Never mind. Anyway, I had a thought. We're always going around stealing things, right?" Kurama glared at him as if he were stating the obvious, which he was. "Well, how about we try something different?"

Kurama stared at him as if he had just suggested they try falling up instead. "But we _like_ stealing things. It's _fun_," he explained, as if to a four-year-old.

"I know, I know, just hear me out. Instead of a _thing_, we'll steal a _person_, right? Some rich guy's kid or something. Then we ransom off the kid for money."

Kurama was still staring incredulously at him. "Why don't we just steal the money in the first place?"

"It's more _exciting_ this way."

Kurama shrugged. "Sure, whatever. I'm game."

And so they set off towards the nearest rich guy's house, unaware of what their next misadventure had in store for them.

* * *

Kuronue and Kurama were now in the castle of Lord Kinyoubi. How they got there is of little importance; they just used their m4d thief skillz. There was an incident that involved making a guard think the castle was haunted, but considering every castle the pair "visited" had such a guard afterwards, it was of little consequence.

Kuronue peered into a door, then waved Kurama over. "I think this is it."

Kurama looked into the indicated room to find a small child sleeping within. "Aww, she's so cute!" he cooed almost instantly. "Can we keep her?"

Kuronue rolled his eyes. "I think you misunderstand a crucial concept of kidnapping, Kurama. If we don't give the kid back eventually, they won't pay us the ransom."

"We could pretend to give her back, but once they hand over the money we run off."

"That's not how kidnapping _works._ It's not honorable."

Kurama pouted. "Stupid honor."

"Just shut up for a second, will you? We don't want to wake her up." With that, Kuronue snuck into the room and set about abducting the child. Kurama followed, muttering to himself.

Much to their surprise, the girl was in fact wide awake. Upon hearing them come in, she turned to them with a bright smile. "Hi! Whatcha doin?"

The two thieves blinked. "Uh, we're kidnapping you," answered Kurama eventually, only to receive an elbow-jab from his partner.

"Oh, okay." She held up a porcelain doll that looked like it had seen better days. Either that, or it was made by a very bad doll-maker. "Will you kidnap Pyon-Pyon too?"

"Uh, sure... Now if you'll excuse me and my associate for a moment..." Kuronue pulled Kurama aside and hissed, "This isn't how it's supposed to work!"

Kurama shrugged. "I dunno, looks easy enough to me."

"It's not supposed to be easy! It's supposed to be all with the fighting and kicking and screaming!"

Kurama gave his friend a long, slow stare. "And you're complaining why, exactly?"

There was a pause, and then, "...Right, okay, let's get on with it."

They turned back to the girl, who was busily brushing Pyon-Pyon's hair, and Kurama said, "Okay, little girl, it's time to be going now."

The girl nodded smartly and stood up. "I'm Hanako," she informed them as she followed them to the window. "I'm this many years old," she continued, holding up four fingers proudly.

"That's nice," said Kuronue absently, picking her up. "Now I'm gonna jump out of this window, so don't scream or go 'whee' or anything, all right?"

"'Kay." She obligingly placed one hand over her mouth.

With that, Kuronue leapt out the window, Kurama following close behind. He glided over to a gentle landing on the edge of the forest as Kurama hopped and slid down the castle walls. When they were all safely under the eaves of the forest, Hanako removed her hand from her mouth and promptly started chattering away. "That was fun! Can we do it again?"

"No," said Kuronue shortly, concentrating on darting through the forest without running into a tree, because honestly, that would be really embarrassing.

"Pleeease?"

"No means no, girl-child," interjected Kurama, doing his best to give her a stern look, but failing miserably when she gave him the dreaded puppy-dog eyes. He asked Kuronue, "Can I hold her?"

"Sure, whatever," answered Kuronue sharply, somewhat annoyed that Kurama didn't have to look out for trees they just graciously moved out of the way for him. He should really have gotten used to that by now.

Meanwhile, Hanako was talking merrily, seemingly ignorant of the conversation going on above her head. "so I gave Usagi-chan the pink ribbon, but Pyon-Pyon wanted it, so I took it back from her and said she could have the lacy one instead, but she got all mad and cried like a baby. But I'm not a baby, I'm this many years old " She held up five fingers this time, oblivious as she was handed over from one thief to the other. "And I can count to ten and write my name. Do you want to see me write my name?"

"Uh, no, we believe you," muttered Kurama, already regretting the switch somewhat.

There was a short silence. "Yellow is my favorite color," Hanako suddenly announced, having already forgotten the previous conversation. "I had some flowers in my room that were yellow, but they died. One time I caught a mouse, but it died too. I gave it lots of candy to eat, but Nanny says mice don't like sweets. I don't know why, I love sweets! Yesterday my daddy gave me this thing called chocolate..."

Kurama sighed, his motherly instincts having met their match, as the girl chattered on and Kuronue smirked.

* * *

Later that day, the thieves and their charge sat on a sunny hilltop, eating lunch. Or at least, the thieves did; Hanako had eaten approximately one bite before running off to pick flowers.

Kuronue pushed his plate away and groaned. "Why do they call it kidnapping, anyway? The kid never does!"

"Maybe we should have knocked her out first..." Kurama mused.

"No, no, that's damage to the hostage - worth less that way."

Kurama growled, staring at Hanako's nearly full plate. "We'd better get a lot of money for her. That curry stuff was expensive!"

"Kurama, you _stole_ that curry."

"It's the principle of the thing."

Kuronue rolled his eyes and leaned back. "Why do you treat that girl so well, anyway? We _should_ be tying her up and feeding her bread and water."

Kurama blinked. "But that's just mean."

Kuronue grinned slightly. "And here, ladies and gentlemen, is Youko Kurama, master thief and nanny to small children," he announced in a mocking tone.

Kurama grinned as well. "Shut up," he said, punching his friend in the shoulder, because that's a male-bonding type thing to do, and then, embarrassed at having participated in male bondage, swiftly changed the subject. "So how do we get the ransom money anyway?"

"We leave a ransom letter for the parents, tell them a location to drop off the money, and then let the kid go."

"Where did you leave the ransom note, then?"

Kuronue opened his mouth as if to say something, then suddenly snapped it shut. "..."

"...What's wrong?"

"Well, uh, there's a little problem with that..."

Kurama leveled a stare at his friend. "You forgot the ransom note," he accused.

"Well I was kind of busy, if you hadn't noticed!"

"Yeah, but you always seem to manage to draw something crude on the wall when you're similarly busy, and you never had any trouble with that!"

Kuronue held up his hands. "Now, now, placing blame isn't going to get us anywhere "

"But it _is_ your fault."

"Shut up. We need to figure out a way to get them the ransom note without going all the way back there."

Kurama looked thoughtful. "You're a bat demon, right?"

Kuronue flicked his wings irritably. "That's been made pretty clear, yes."

"Then could you summon regular bats?" Kurama continued. "You know, the non-demonic kind? Could you get them to do your bidding?"

Kuronue blinked. "...You know, I don't think I've ever tried that before."

Kurama clapped his hands gleefully. "Ooh, do it now!"

"Right." Kuronue crossed his legs lotus-style and placed two fingers to his temples. Then he squeezed his eyes shut and remained absolutely still.

After a few minutes, Kurama started poking him in the side. "I don't think it's going to work, Kuronue."

Kuronue opened one eye. "Shush, will you? I'm trying to summon here!"

"Well, I'm a fox demon, and I can't summon foxes," Kurama huffed.

Kuronue sweatdropped. "You were the one who suggested it in the first place, remember?"

But now Kurama was pointing off into the distance. "Look, I think I see a bat!"

Kuronue rolled his eyes. "I'm sure," he muttered sarcastically.

"No, no, I'm serious! Take a look!"

Now Kuronue couldn't resist Kurama's fevered gesticulating and turned to look in the direction indicated. To his surprise, there was indeed a bat flapping its way towards him. "A bat!" he exclaimed stupidly.

"A bat!" repeated Kurama.

"A ba " Kuronue shook his head. They were starting to sound like they were worshipping some sort of god.

Then he blinked. The bat had landed on his nose. He wasn't even sure that was physically possible, but there it was.

Kurama stared at the bat reverentially. "Make it do something," he breathed.

"Um, okay." Kuronue focused on the bat. "Okay, bat, uh, go pick me a flower!"

Instead, the bat bit him on the nose and flew off. Kurama fell on his side, shaking with laughter, as Kuronue rubbed his nose irritably.

"It's not funny," he growled.

Kurama wiped tears from his eyes. "I think it was annoyed at being woken up in the middle of the day," he said, choking back laughter.

"I'm a bat, and I seem to manage," Kuronue muttered, checking for blood.

"Bat, bat, bat," said Kurama suddenly, staring off into the distance.

Kuronue gave his friend a weird look. "What's gotten into you, all of a sudden?"

"Bat," Kurama repeated, as if that explained everything. He elaborated, "It doesn't even sound like a word anymore, does it?"

"Bat," said Kuronue experimentally. His eyes widened. "You're right!"

The moment of revelation, such as it was, was interrupted when Kurama realized something. "Where's Hanako?"

Kuronue looked around. She was nowhere in sight. His eyes, already wide from the not-a-word phenomenon, widened further. "Oh, crap."

Kurama sniffed the air, and immediately sneezed. "Stupid curry, it's messing up my senses!"

Kuronue leapt up into the air, flapping his wings wildly to keep himself aloft. He squinted into the distance and pointed down the hill. "There's a small caravan on the road down that way," he said. "I think I see her there."

Kurama got up. "Let's go," he said, and the two dashed off. Well, Kuronue _flew_ off, but in a dashing sort of way.

The pair arrived, panting, in a cloud of dust. The members of the caravan barely gave them a second look, as if dirty, out of breath demons appeared all the time. Maybe they did.

Kuronue accosted a random passerby and growled in his best threatening voice, "Have you seen an annoying little girl around here?"

The man was nonplussed. "You mean Hanako? Yeah, she latched onto Densuke over there a while ago." He pointed off to one side vaguely.

Somewhat deflated, Kuronue let go of the man and stalked off in the direction he had indicated.

"Your threatening voice sucks," Kurama informed him smugly.

"Well, it worked," Kuronue muttered, eyes darting about as he searched for the girl.

He found her sitting on the lap of a pug-faced demon who was driving one of the carts. As usual, she was running her mouth off. "So then we got tired of playing tea time, so we went and swum in the lake, and then Nanny came out and find us, and her face got all red and she started yelling, but I wasn't really listening so that showed her. But then I got out and my clothes were all wet so I ran around a bunch to dry them off, and that little vein in her forehead got all throbby, like yours is right now "

Densuke looked supremely bored. "Uh huh, whatever," he grumbled. "Look, if you don't shut up soon, I'm gonna cut your tongue out and eat it as a snack."

"One time my daddy cut off a robber's hands," she replied, completelly unconcerned. "He let me watch. It was really icky," she added cheerfully.

Kurama ran into Kuronue's back as he suddenly stopped. "I don't want my hands cut off," he whispered fearfully.

Kurama rolled his eyes. "They'd grow back eventually," he said, and over Kuronue's protests of "What? No they wouldn't!" he marched up to the demon. "That's our little girl," he told him firmly.

The demon sighed in relief. "You're welcome to her," he said, picking her up and tossing her over. "Thought for a while there my ears were gonna implode."

As Kuronue considered the mental image of imploding ears, Kurama held Hanako itghtly to him. "Oh thank Inari! Don't ever do that again!" he scolded.

"She won't have a chance if I cut off her legs," Kuronue muttered darkly as the caravan moved off.

Kurama shielded Hanako with one arm. "You can't do that to a poor, defenseless child like that! It's not sporting!"

Of course, Hanako chose thta moment to bite him on the arm.

"Ow! Son of a bitch!" he yelped, dropping the girl in his surprise.

"_Daughter _of a bitch," Kuronue offered helpfully as Kurama continued to swear and rub at his arm. It was then that he caught sight of a spot of blood. "It's bleeding," he said blankly.

"No kidding," Kurama growled, and started licking at his wound.

Kuronue looked at Hanako, who was now drawing pictures in the dust and no doubt dirtying her expensive-looking dress. "You've got sharp teeth, kid," he said, somewhat in awe. She grinned toothily. "What kind of demon are you, anyway?"

"I'm a me demon!" she replied happily.

"A mii demon?" Kuronue repeated, mystified. "I don't think I've ever heard of that..."

"I don't think she even knows," said Kurama, suddenly appearing beside him. "She can't seem to decide on her own age, after all."

"How's your arm?"

Kurama picked at the scab that was already forming due to his youkai healing. "It doesn't really hurt anymore, it's just...itchy."

"Itchy?"

"Yeah. I think I must be allergic to her."

"How can you be allergic to a _person_?"

"How can you be allergic to _anything_?"

Kuronue looked thoughtful, but whatever insight he was about to spout forth was cut short by Hanako abruptly crying at the top of her lungs. He sighed in annoyance. "What's wrong with you now?"

"I left Pyon-Pyon with the ugly man!" she wailed.

The pair looked at each other. "The ugly man?"

"Densuke."

"I've met a lot of Densukes, Kurama, and most of them were ugly."

"The one from the caravan, moron."

"Oh, right." He kneeled and looked Hanako in the eyes. "If we get you your dolly back, willy you promise not to pull something like this again?"

Hanako nodded solemnly, tears running down her face. Kurama, however, had a sneaking suspicion that it was merely an act, and so picked her up warily. "Right," he said, "I'll just keep my eye on you."

The two set off after the surprisingly fast-moving caravan, nevertheless catching up with it in no time. They soon found Densuke again and Kuronue ordered him imperiously, "Hand over the doll."

The demon looked at them blankly. "I what the what now?"

Kurama sighed. "The girl says she left her doll with you."

"The ugly man," Hanako supplied helpfully, between sniffles.

Densuke gave them all dirty looks. "Just for that, you're not getting it back," he spat.

"But she'll bug us forever if you don't!" Kuronue protested.

"Your problem, not mine."

"_Please_?" persisted Kuronue in what sounded suspiciously like a whine.

"Kuronue," interjected Kurama in an undertone, "We're _thieves_."

"Yeah, and?" After being subjected to one of Kurama's Looks, he suddenly had a "Duh!" moment. "Oh, right. _Riiiiight._ Uh, you're completely right, Ugly Man. Uh, I mean Densuke. We'll just be going now..."

Densuke watched in stupification as the demon thieves, small girl in tow, disappeared behind his cart in somewhat of a hurry.

A few minutes later, the trio sat on the side of the road, Kuronue and Kurama cackling madly and Hanako hugging "Pyon-Pyon."

"Whoever knew our thieving skills would come in so handy?" laughed Kuronue.

Kurama paused. "Well, there was that one time fifty years ago when you accidently sold your necklace and the guy wouldn't give it back..."

"Uh, that doesn't count."

"And that time you got so drunk you couldn't even lie down without falling over and that huge Bakatal demon decided to steal all your clothes..."

"Look, just...never mind. We need to figure out how to get a ransom note to Hanako's parents."

Kurama shrugged. "We'll just go back to the castle and I'll just manipulate my plants to drop it somewhere easily found."

Kuronue blinked. "...That's it?"

"What's wrong with that idea?"

"It's _boring_. Couldn't we do something more exciting, with like...sleeping potions and complicated pully systems and, uh, sharks?"

"We _could_, but then we'd have to take Hanako along."

They both looked at their charge, who was currently screeching, at the top of her lungs, what was apparently supposed to be a song of some sort. "Point taken." He dug a worn piece of paper out of who-knows-where. "Here's the ransom note I wrote. Take a look at it."

"What for?"

"To edit it. You know, for spelling mistakes or something."

Kurama sighed, "You can't make spelling mistakes with this alphabet. It's _phonetic_."

"Just read the damn thing, will you?"

"_Fine._" He snatched it out of Kuronue's hand and began reading out loud. "'Dear Sir or Madam..." Here he paused. "That's awfully formal, isn't it?"

"Don't want to make a bad first impression."

"Right, right... 'We have in our possession your child. If you wish to ever see him/her again,'" he paused again. "Him slash her?"

"I didn't know which it was yet when I was writing it."

"Fair enough." He scratched out the word "him" with one claw and continued, "...then please leave a bag of one thousand (1000) gold pieces in the copse by the stables at sundown tonight. Sincerely, The Kidnappers.'" He paused for the third time. "Wait, sundown? There is no sun in the Makai."

"When day turns to night, they'll know what I'm talking about."

"Oh." Kurama then, guess what? paused. "But wait. Night starts at six thirty this time of year, right?"

"Yeah."

"That's in like half an hour."

"Oh. Crap."

They looked at each other briefly, then simultaneously grabbed Hanako by the back of her dress (resulting in an unsightly rip) and ran off as fast as their little legs could carry them. Uh, their long sexy legs. You know what I mean.

* * *

Lord Kinyoubi stared intently at some graffiti on the wall next to him. The anatomy was surprisingly accurate. He'd have to find whoever did this, perhaps get some advice, and then have him killed.

A servant of some sort tapped him on the shoulder. "Sir, the ransom note has just arrived."

"Ah. Took long enough." He briefly scanned it, and nodded. "Right then. I'll be in the copse by the stables if any important news arrives. Oh, and keep my dinner warm."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Our two favorite thieves stood on one side of the copse, Kuronue holding Hanako, who was in turn braiding his hair. The light of dusk glinted of their skin, making them seem like golden beings descended from heaven. Their hair and clothes blew in the wind delicately.

It would have been poetic, if they had not looked quite so annoyed.

"How come _I _have to hold her?" muttered Kuronue irritably.

"Because last time I held her, I got bitten. It's only fair if you got one to match."

"I swear, if I get an split ends because of this..."

At that moment an imposing-looking demon in regal clothes strolled into the copse. He wasn't carrying anything, except for perhaps a grudge. However, he didn't seem to be very concerned.

"All right, Kinyoubi!" shouted Kurama, having designated himself the negotiator. "Put the money by that big tree over there and back away. If we find the payment acceptable, we shall give your daughter back."

Lord Kinyoubi took a puff of a pipe he for some reason he had with him. "No," he said mildly.

"Preferrably in large denominations wait, 'no'?"

"You heard what I said." Kinyoubi lifted his head to gaze at the sky.

"Um, then we'll kill her!"

A disturbing grin spread across the demon lord's face. "Ah, but you see, then I shall have to send my guards after you."

Kuronue snorted. "We can evade your pathetic guards," he said indignantly.

"Can you while you sleep? While you eat?" The grin grew wider. "My guards will never stop looking for you. Can you handle centuries on the run?"

The two looked at each other. While amusing for a while, after a year or two it would certainly get old. They came to a silent agreement. "Look, fine," said Kurama. "Just take her back, all right? Free of charge."

"No."

"_What!_"

Kinyoubi blew a smoke ring. "I don't want her back."

"What? But " Kuronue sputtered. "We don't want her either!"

Kinyoubi sighed in the manner of the much put-upon. "Well, I suppose I could take her off your hands "

"All right!"

"for a fee."

"_What!_" _This is getting repetitive_, thought Kuronue, in the small corner of his mind that was still sane.

Hanako tugged on his hair. "You've got pretty hair, mister bat man!" she cried happily.

Kuronue looked at the several ebony strands clutched in her tiny fist. He twitched. "How much?"

"1000 gold."

"That's extortion, you bastard!" Kurama protested, as if he weren't the kidnapper in the first place.

"Take it or leave it," said Kinyoubi, turning as if to walk away.

"No, wait!" Kuronue pulled out a bag from one of his many mysterious pockets. "Look, there's a bunch of jewels in here. That's all we've got with us." He tossed it over.

Lord Kinyoubi inspected one of the rubies inside with a magnifying glass he had, for some reason, brought with him. "Yes," he said finally, "I think this will do."

"Finally!" Kuronue pried Hanako off of his torso and practically shoved her in Kinyoubi's face. "Here, take her!"

Kinyoubi nodded calmly. "Nice doing business with you," he said, and walked back to his castle with a spastically waving Hanako in his arms. They disappeared into the shadows.

The two thieves collapsed underneath a tree, leaning on each other. They stared at the sky for a while, then turned to each other and said in unison, "This never happened."

Then they went to get drunk.

* * *

"Sooo...what happened while you were drunk?"

"Just drop it already, Yusuke."

* * *

How did he steal fully-cooked curry without letting it get cold? The world may never know. He is a_ master_ thief, after all.

Also, in case you were wondering, Usagi-chan is Hanako's purple bunny invisible friend.

Next chapter: Another exploit! But you probably figured that already.

A/N: Sorry about the wait, guys. For a while I had writer's block and then I got a new muse ("Hey ladies!" says Zelos), and he's still getting used to his new position, so also sorry that the chapter's not that good. ("Hey...")


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